my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
