I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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