Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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