God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
