how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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