at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
