Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
