He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
