I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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