I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
