I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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