how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
