She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
