i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Randomize
