I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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