Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
