I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
