I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
