Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
