dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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