he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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