So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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