He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
