if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
