I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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