Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
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