dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I'm passing your future prison.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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