I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
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