My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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