I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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