you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
