Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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