i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
