I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
