Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
