are you so shy because you have an std?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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