Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
You work out of a Hotel?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Randomize
