Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
