Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
