Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
