The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
bring money and cleavage
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
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