You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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