After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
