just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I am naked and annoyed.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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