dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
