I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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