someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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