I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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