I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
