What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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