Please don't use social media to get back at me.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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